How I'm Finding Happiness

Why should it be normal for me to be looking through my instagram feed before I even look at the sun each day- in what world can that be remotely healthy for me?

This spring I’ve been dedicating much of my time spent absorbing my thoughts fully as they come and making sure to use my time focusing on building my own self esteem before automatically comparing myself to others. I noticed that the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning (as I’m sure the majority of the world does as well) is check my phone. For a very long time I yearned to wake up in the morning and see what had happened while I was sleeping- however as I’ve been taking note of more recently, that instinct has morphed itself more into a disturbance rather than something to look forward to each morning. This spring, when I started to fully dedicate much more time into self care- not just taking a bubble bath once a month and reading a nice quote here and there- I mean truly delving into my insecurities and personal struggles, things that had clearly been disturbing my everyday existence began to rise to surface level. A lot of these things, like checking my phone first thing in the morning, were all so deeply ingrained into my daily habit that it was quite difficult to separate from them. I started one morning by putting my phone in a drawer and making a conscious effort to not look at it for as long as I could, after a few days I was beginning to spend the first hour of my mornings without looking at my phone, and for the first time in a really long time I noticed I had a much deeper appreciation for not choosing to reach for my phone first thing in the morning. Why should it be normal for me to be looking through my instagram feed before I even look at the sun each day- in what world can that be remotely healthy for me?

Since cutting out my phone from my morning routine, I’ve begun to appreciate being present with myself each morning, and how important of a step that is to be taking before we set forth with the rest of our day.

Per the sunny Vermont weather, each morning I’ve been going outside with my dog and finding a sunny spot in my backyard to soak in the morning light and center myself for that day. Mediation has been a huge resource for me this year so taking time to practice it each morning feels so natural and grounding to me.

As I’ve been going through this phone detox journey, it’s reminded me just how often I’m on it, mostly scrolling through a feed with people I barely know- or posting my own photos and becoming incredibly attached to the likes and comments from people who I again, barely know.

As someone who has been an avid instagrammer since the 7th grade, I came to a point last month where I was seriously considering deleting all of my accounts- at least temporarily. I decided against doing that for a couple reasons, 1. I actually co manage an account with someone on instagram that requires daily posts and I didn’t want to leave that person hanging. And 2. I realized how many people I actually primarily communicate with through IG, and maybe it’s me being melodramatic or having a bit of anxiety but the act of individually messaging them and saying I most likely wouldn’t be reachable sounded like A LOT. So, I met myself in the middle- saving going on instagram and the majority of my social medias till the end of the day, refusing to inherit the dysfunction that it can often bring me through constant comparison and need for validation. Since doing so, I’ve really caught myself pushing my phone away at moments I would usually reach for it, and overall wanting to take less pictures and more so fully enjoy a moment for what it is. To me, a feeling and a memory are much more lasting than a pixel on my phone.

With much love,