It's Been A While

How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. 

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This blog feels like an old friend. One that’s always there to listen to my thoughts no matter how long it’s been since we last spoke. I’ve never felt more secure in my feelings than after sharing them onto this blog, which is a gift not many have the chance to discover in their lifetimes, so it’s one I’ll hold close to me for a very long time. This blog has led me through some beautiful and not so beautiful times, and I couldn’t imagine what the past year (especially) would have been like without my little corner of the internet existing. That being said, these past few months I’ve let it sit, collect dust, and become vacant. I’ve tried to write, but the thought of it exhausts me before I have the chance. I’d like to blame it all on the college admissions process, once again. It was especially hard for me to be creatively stimulated and just not constantly stressed for a good majority of this year so far. However, I’ve had sooo many thoughts lately- my mind is bursting at the seams and here I am, making my way back to this blog. My safe haven, my old friend who’s always there. Thank you to anyone who reads my words and is able to connect to them in one way or another. Here’s what’s been brewing in my life the last few months (the ugly and the beautiful). Enjoy.

March: Winter was still very much present. Mother nature teased us a few times with one good day, and I clung onto the idea of spring for dear life. But for too many more days I woke up to snow on the ground and no sign of spring.

This month I also went through heartbreak. A feeling I had grown unfamiliar with for some time but it always seems to creep its way back into my life one way or another.

This heartbreak however was so, so much different than one I had ever experienced, and that’s the funny thing I’m beginning to learn: no relationship is like the other, nor should they be. Each person you share that bond and connection with is so different from the last, it’s so much more complex than we would think looking at it on a surface level. Maybe that’s some insight or just common knowledge everyone else knew, but for each heartbreak I endure, I begin to realize it more and more. It’s kind of beautiful if you think about it. With each relationship comes a different kind of happiness, a different kind of perspective, and a different kind of hurt. It makes me wonder how many different kinds of happiness, perspectives, and hurts I’ll collect in my life.

Now, this kind of heartbreak was so far the best I’ve ever found. I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that with me there will never be some sort of amicable breakup (just because I have a really difficult time letting go of the idea of trying more with someone, no matter how bad things are) but it came pretty close to amicable if you ask me. I never thought I would be breaking up with someone in between laughter and storytelling, but that’s another hurt I now know, and I’ll always be thankful for it.

To give you some context, during my last breakup, which was also my first experience with heartbreak and a first for a lot of things- I went through this phase where I really thought I was okay again. I thought I was out of the woods and then summer crept up on me and everything fell backwards. It was confusing but I now know how to decipher from genuine feelings of moving on from someone and the fake kind that you try to adopt while still hurting. With my latest heartbreak I felt that same feeling really early on, like suspiciously soon after, and for a while I thought it would fade and then I would become really sad. But it hasn’t and I know my feelings are the most genuine they’ve been in quite some time- so if you ever can, I’d speak from personal experience and recommend this kind of breakup.

After this new found heartbreak I also was reminded about the mindset you go through right after a breakup, which I’m sure the majority of people can relate to. The thing is, after a breakup you suddenly have a lot of time with your thoughts, you’re able to reevaluate things and become reminded of what you do and don’t want in your life. That’s another beautiful thing about heartbreak I hope everyone can find at one point in their life.

Since March, I’ve become absolutely addicted with self care. I’m exploring every single aspect of it. Learning how to break old habits, detach myself from past situations, and grow into the most healthy mindset possible. This has manifested itself in so many different ways, some days it’s leaving my phone at home, sometimes it’s looking through old scrapbooks- the most important  thing to remember is that self care comes in different forms for different people. Don’t feel bad if my idea of self care is completely opposite to yours.

The most important mindset I’ve been trying to adopt recently is the one where I release all of my expectations and insignificant worries to really focus on the light in my life. So far, it’s been nothing short of beautiful, and I can’t wait to see what spring has in store for me.

With much love,