Why We Care About The Ones That Don't
Boys laugh about what they put girls through, but they won't be laughing when they're wiping tears off their daughters faces for the same reason.
My generation is unique in many ways, the invention of social media, like instagram, snapchat, tinder, and all things alike, come along with a whole new wave of interactions and social norms. This specific blog post has been brewing in my mind for a while now, but I was unsure how to introduce it, because it’s a topic that I myself am not the proudest to talk about. While you read one of my many stories of heartbreak, don’t be afraid to admit to yourself all the shitty guys who you let use you, or if you haven’t come across one yet, the inevitable ones to come in the future. Let them break your heart, because they surprisingly have a lot to teach you.
*Please note that in my story I’m heavily generalizing teenage guys, but I clearly know they all aren’t this way, so please don’t get the impression that I’m hating on all guys here! ALSO: Any of the pronouns that I use, can easily be swapped out for whatever gender you are attracted to, girls can be just as elusive as guys!*
I vividly remember so many middle school sleepovers where one of my friends started to date a boy; we would all huddle around the phone and anxiously await a nonchalant response that had barely any meaning, but to us, it was scream worthy. It was a time of purity and innocence, before any of us knew what it felt like to have your heart broken by a boy who wanted absolutely nothing more than to get into your pants.
At this point in my life, shitty boys only existed in other people's stories, no where near my reality. So in middle school I promised myself I would never allow any boy to simply just “use” me and my body; I felt that I knew my self worth enough to never let someone like that break my heart.
Fast forward to my senior year of highschool (current day) and I have broken that promise with my middle school self many, many times. The following story is one that I’m hesitant to talk about, because no one likes to admit that they’ve been taken advantage of, but it’s very real, and I’d be stupid to not use this platform of mine to share my own experiences that have taught me so much.
Freshman year of highschool had just come to a close and that summer I had gained a new sum of confidence. With that confidence, came a boy who taught me what it felt like to be completely fooled to the point where I was crying for months and filled with nothing but regret. This was a boy who I will never forget, but for all the wrong reasons. He was a classic f**kboy; he began our ‘relationship’ with what I thought to be genuine conversations and I was on top of the world because I had heard so many girls talk about not being able to find a “nice guy” and here I was, with one of my own. He was a grade older, had his own car, was about a foot taller than me, and knew how to hold up a conversation. Then, one day, the dynamic did a 180, suddenly he was very eager to spend time with me, and me, being very innocent and with little to no boy experience, I brushed his straight forwardness off as nothing more than ‘excitement’.
I’d be lying to myself if I said at some point, I didn’t have a gut feeling about this guy, but I was just intrigued with him, and my 15 year old self couldn’t help but pursue this opportunity- so I agreed to ‘hang out’ with him.
The day came and went, and so did a few other days like that, I’ll spare you the details but there was never much talking between the two of us, and when I finally said no to casually hooking up with him in some parking lot, he drove me home in complete silence. I remember a moment from that early summer afternoon soo vividly, it stings every part of my heart each time it floats up to the top of my memories. He had just drove up to the front of my house, and I began to make the long walk up my driveway, shakingly opening up the back door to my empty house, I threw myself on my living room floor, and had a complete meltdown. I cried so hard that afternoon and felt like everyone in this world was out to get me. Days after, I was continuously left on read and each morning that I woke up to this heartbreaking reality, it sunk in a little more that I was just used in all forms of the word. The first boy who had the convenience of breaking my heart, couldn’t even tell me what color my eyes were, and that's a thought that never ceases to leave me short breathed every time I think about it.
Two months later, and I’m moving on from my first, true heartbreak. Don’t ask me why it took that long to get him out of my mind, but it just did, and I hated the fact that I thought of him so often, while I was just another notch in his belt.
It was early August, I was sitting passenger seat in my moms car and she was listening to NPR, a radio station I always rolled my eyes at, but this day, I was completely infatuated with the story. There was a young woman talking about a subject strikingly relevant to my current thought process, (I can’t tell you her name, I wish I had remembered) but she was an author, and had just published a book surrounding the topic of why so many girls are so attracted to really shitty guys. She told her own story about a boy, who was in her eyes, a little bad, and deep down she knew he had terrible intentions, but something about him intrigued her. Although he was kinda appaling to her most of the times, she occasionally caught him in little moments where he would be emotionally vulnerable, or show “a soft side” to himself. It was in these moments where all of his disgusting behavior disappeared and she started to fall in love with him. She became hooked on the idea (portrayed heavily in movies) that she would be the girl who would “change him”, and that after her, he would no longer want to use women as nothing more than objects, and they would live happily ever after.
It was in that moment that I had never related more to something so tragic but also so beautiful. It’s biologically apart of women to try and nurture people in their life (especially romantically), and it made so much sense to me why I was going after a boy who I damn well knew was just going to hurt me.
The Lessons Learned:
Although I went through so many emotional downfalls because of this insignificant boy, I’m still thankful for the lesson. It was just one of those experiences where I put myself out there to be hurt, and I was, but out of that hurt I gained a lot more self respect. I know live by this ideology: when you’re young you are supposed to have your heart broken many, many times, and meet many different boys who each will each teach you something. And after having your heart broken so many times, a day will come where you meet someone who you never have to be hurt by, and that will be the person who you share the rest of your sunsets with.