What Would My 10 Year Old Self Think
When I was in elementary school I dreamt (and truly believed) that when I entered the first day of highschool or when I turned the perfect age and finally became a teenager, everything would click into place. I would have a huge group of friends, be in a great relationship, and of course attend the occasional party. This picture perfect life is not what I ended up receiving, which is expected, because my teenage years can’t be directed and produced by a team of writers for Disney.
So sometimes, on nights where I’m feeling things especially deeply, I sit in bed and just cry a little bit- I cry because I look around at my life right now, and realize how polar opposite it is than what I had ever planned it to be.
Maybe it’s because my house is covered in photos of me (only child) and there is this one photo that I’m greeted with every morning when I go downstairs- It hangs perfectly centered on the fridge at eye level, so matter how little I want to see my bushy eyebrows in the fourth grade, there's no avoiding them. But I think a lot about if my 10 year self would be sad, just plain confused, or excited for the things I’m doing with my life. I think about if she would want me to be working harder or maybe she would just have enough faith in me that I know what I’m doing. I’m not saying that I’m not proud of the accomplishments I’ve made so far, I just never imaged that my life would be the way it is. I never thought that I would care about the things I care about so deeply right now, or that I would be so intimidated by the things I am.
While I’m quite often brought back to thoughts of the past solely triggered by the night sky, I also think a lot about the future. Most of these thoughts are about my future daughter, although I don’t yet know her name, or where half of her other dna will come from, she’s constantly on my mind. Will she one day have the same thoughts as me, will I really want her to have a lot of the same thoughts as me- probably not. (That concept alone is pretty scary to think about.) I also become afraid that she will grow up in a world that is being raised by a generation who will abuse this wonderful gift we have been given: social media. I don’t ever want my child to become a slave to instagram or spend more time picking out a photo filter then she will bettering herself, bettering others, bettering the planet. I don’t want her to spend her nights scrolling through a timeline for hours on end comparing and judging herself based on the facade that others put into the world. I want her to grow up in a world where she can be whoever she wants to be, love whoever she wants, wear whatever she wants, and look at another girl across the room and not feel belittled or instantly start focusing on what she doesn’t have that the other girl does.
I suppose briefly looking into the eyes of my 10-year-old self every morning, isn't the worst thing, because it a humbling reminder of a lot of things: to think about my everyday choices and how they will shape the rest of my life, how my younger self would think about current me, and the kind of world I want my child to grow up in. I’m not going to ever tell you what you should and shouldn’t do on social media or in your real lives, but know that we each have influence on others, even if you don’t think you do- trust me, you do. So make sure you are proud of what you spread on the internet and bring into other people's minds.