You, Me, and Anxiety
You are bigger than what is making you sad.
I’ve been thinking about writing a post like this for a long time now, but I was worried I wouldn’t quite know how to construct talking about a topic like this. The issue is putting down onto paper what I view as one of my biggest flaws: my anxiety.
I remember the first post I wrote about my anxiety, I thought it would be the last, but anxiety isn’t just one part of my life to talk about. I realized that it often deciphers every moment of my day, and describing it in a vague manners (like I have done before) isn’t going to make as much of an impact as I want it to. This specific post is dedicated to how anxiety has affected my relationships with people, because sometimes I feel like it has the power to hinder every aspect of them.
I always understood the nervousness and anxiousness of the beginning stages of a romantic relationship, but I gradually grew to understand that I experienced it all way too intensely than any of my friends. I feel like getting to know someone and those initial stages should be fun, but it never really has been for me, no matter how genuine the other person is. One aspect of anxiety that I have never been able to conquer is the vast amount of over thinking that I do, it ruins so much for me.
Just like overthinking, I tend to over analyze A LOT, which never leads to anything good. If someone leaves me on read, I will drive myself crazy. I think that I’m bothering them, or annoying them, or that they suddenly just woke up today and decided they hate me.
Sometimes, I feel like I am stripped of an ability to enjoy certain moments. I will spend so much of my energy analyzing the tone is someone’s voice or thinking about what they are about to say, instead of simply just taking in that moment.
I don’t know if it’s just my way of trying to protect myself, but anxiety taught me how to numb my feelings, and realizing that my mind can go to such a dark place where my only way to protect myself is to numb myself, is incredibly terrifying. It’s become a huge fear of mine that overtime I will just keep convincing myself out of an otherwise obvious thought, and distort my reality.
These are just the top layers of what anxiety in relationships are for me, and these affect all different types of relationships in my life, not just romantic. I know I’ll never live without anxiety, but each day I’m trying my hardest to dilute these feelings and negative emotions that come along with a mental illness. I hope if your most common emotion is anxiety, your second is freedom.
Cover photography credit: @innerbeautyphotography (instagram)